I’m pretty sure they call it envy.

I’ve been having a hard time the last month or so. There have been too many friends with babies and baby showers and talk of having babies and reading about babies. Yes, I am experiencing baby envy and let me tell you, I do not enjoy it in the least.

The truth of the matter is I so desperately want to have a child. I want to know what it is like to have a baby growing inside of me – to watch my belly grow. To dream of what they will be like or look like. To hold them, feed them, protect them, play with them and love them until it doesn’t feel like I could love anymore.

Confession: I find my self hoping every month that I am that small percentage of people that birth control doesn’t work.

I know that to have a baby this instant would really be more than just a little hard. Mostly because I’m still in school and Neile is fundraising his own salary, but also because our life right now is so incredibly busy that we hardly have time to do the things we really want to do, much less keep up with the things we need to do (take for instance making dinner, laundry, buying myself some glasses!).

Recently I saw a childhood friend. It was her baby shower. She looked great and so excited about her baby girl (due in 3 months). I am so excited for her and the adventure she has entered into, but I am also sad because I want that for me.

I’ve always wanted children. When I was single I would dream of motherhood and being a wife to an amazing man. Now that I am a wife to an amazing man those dreams of motherhood have only intensified. I know I can’t/shouldn’t spend all of my energy looking forward to the future or what may come and enjoy the present joys, but right now it is just hard.

I know I must wait, but this just brings up new fears. What if we wait too long (I know I am still young-ish)? Or what if nothing happens? Fears I try to fight, but also realize are a real possibility.

There are many things in life I have had to wait for. There are many unknowns I’ve had to face. There are many insecurities I’ve had to address. Through all of this I know I have not done it on my own, nor, thankfully, will I have to face my future unknowns alone.

“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Deuteronomy 31:8

So for now, I sit and wait knowing that is what I must do.

Sad Heart

I’ve been very sad lately. I hate being like this whenever it happens, but feel even worse that I could possibly be sad during the Christmas season when it is supposed to be about giving and loving and rejoicing.

I told Neile the other day that if I were given the chance to work in children’s ministry again next year I would not. This almost breaks my heart just to think it, but to get to the point where I actually say it to someone else…well I am at a loss.

I love children. I have been babysitting since I was 11 and volunteering in church since I knew that it was a possibility. I remember working with a small group of 1st graders my senior year of college and getting so excited to plan lessons for them or figure out a way for them to experience God more fully. I remember volunteering in the nursery (my favorite) for years and looking forward to seeing those babies all week long – in fact my whole body would get antsy with anticipation.

It was because of this – this never ending love of children, to see them grow, to nurture them, to show them God’s love through me – that I started thinking that perhaps I would consider working with kids as a job. Perhaps when my degree is completed I would actually work in children’s ministry (instead of just volunteering). Right now, I do not feel that way.

I have made a commitment to the 3 yr old class this year. And yes, the kids are amazing and I love them like I have loved all of the kids I’ve ever worked with. I do not go a single Sunday without laughing with a child or enjoying a conversation about their boo boos or birthdays or other adventures. I love singing with them, learning Bible verses together, reading stories, having dinosaur fights, and coloring. Mostly though, I just love the opportunity to watch them grow, to see it in their eyes when they’ve learned something new or the pride on their face when they’ve accomplished something that only “big people” can do.

However, I am now to the point of almost dreading Sunday mornings.

Too Long

So it has been much longer than I had hoped since I’ve been able to update you. Funny it takes me this long and yet not too much has happened this week. Just the usual homework and making dinner and whatnot. Actually my mom and Aunt got back into town this week after being in good ole Idaho for the past two weeks. I’m always so jealous when they get to go there and I don’t – it’s been way to long since I’ve been there. Anyway, since they got back in town we’ve been able to go over 2 nights to hang out. We made the traditional family food – sushi! (we definitely cheat though and do not use raw fish) It has been great to get together because not only did I get to see my mom and Aunt but also my niece and nephew. Now I may be a teeny tiny bit biased, but these two kiddos are some of the cutest I’ve seen. Oh and the smartest 1 and 2 yr olds ever! =) Seriously though, I’ve discovered that after I go about a week or two without seeing them I really start to miss them. About a month or two ago, I didn’t see them for almost 3 weeks and pretty much started tearing up when I saw some other kids (that I am not even related to!) just because I missed them so much. And that is just for my niece and nephew – I can’t imagine what it will be like when I’m a mom!



So in other news, Neile and I are leaving in about 20 minutes to go to MN for the weekend. We’ll be staying with one of my good friends and her family and I can’t wait. I think this is actually the first time Neile and I have gotten away together since we’ve been married and we are both very excited for the break.