I’ve been having a hard time the last month or so. There have been too many friends with babies and baby showers and talk of having babies and reading about babies. Yes, I am experiencing baby envy and let me tell you, I do not enjoy it in the least.
The truth of the matter is I so desperately want to have a child. I want to know what it is like to have a baby growing inside of me – to watch my belly grow. To dream of what they will be like or look like. To hold them, feed them, protect them, play with them and love them until it doesn’t feel like I could love anymore.
Confession: I find my self hoping every month that I am that small percentage of people that birth control doesn’t work.
I know that to have a baby this instant would really be more than just a little hard. Mostly because I’m still in school and Neile is fundraising his own salary, but also because our life right now is so incredibly busy that we hardly have time to do the things we really want to do, much less keep up with the things we need to do (take for instance making dinner, laundry, buying myself some glasses!).
Recently I saw a childhood friend. It was her baby shower. She looked great and so excited about her baby girl (due in 3 months). I am so excited for her and the adventure she has entered into, but I am also sad because I want that for me.
I’ve always wanted children. When I was single I would dream of motherhood and being a wife to an amazing man. Now that I am a wife to an amazing man those dreams of motherhood have only intensified. I know I can’t/shouldn’t spend all of my energy looking forward to the future or what may come and enjoy the present joys, but right now it is just hard.
I know I must wait, but this just brings up new fears. What if we wait too long (I know I am still young-ish)? Or what if nothing happens? Fears I try to fight, but also realize are a real possibility.
There are many things in life I have had to wait for. There are many unknowns I’ve had to face. There are many insecurities I’ve had to address. Through all of this I know I have not done it on my own, nor, thankfully, will I have to face my future unknowns alone.
The truth of the matter is I so desperately want to have a child. I want to know what it is like to have a baby growing inside of me – to watch my belly grow. To dream of what they will be like or look like. To hold them, feed them, protect them, play with them and love them until it doesn’t feel like I could love anymore.
Confession: I find my self hoping every month that I am that small percentage of people that birth control doesn’t work.
I know that to have a baby this instant would really be more than just a little hard. Mostly because I’m still in school and Neile is fundraising his own salary, but also because our life right now is so incredibly busy that we hardly have time to do the things we really want to do, much less keep up with the things we need to do (take for instance making dinner, laundry, buying myself some glasses!).
Recently I saw a childhood friend. It was her baby shower. She looked great and so excited about her baby girl (due in 3 months). I am so excited for her and the adventure she has entered into, but I am also sad because I want that for me.
I’ve always wanted children. When I was single I would dream of motherhood and being a wife to an amazing man. Now that I am a wife to an amazing man those dreams of motherhood have only intensified. I know I can’t/shouldn’t spend all of my energy looking forward to the future or what may come and enjoy the present joys, but right now it is just hard.
I know I must wait, but this just brings up new fears. What if we wait too long (I know I am still young-ish)? Or what if nothing happens? Fears I try to fight, but also realize are a real possibility.
There are many things in life I have had to wait for. There are many unknowns I’ve had to face. There are many insecurities I’ve had to address. Through all of this I know I have not done it on my own, nor, thankfully, will I have to face my future unknowns alone.
“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Deuteronomy 31:8
So for now, I sit and wait knowing that is what I must do.
1 comment:
Thank you for this post, Nicole. I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerablity. And I can so relate; I loved the second paragraph because I love it when I read something someone else has written and feel like I could've written it myself. Sometimes at work when I'm cuddling a baby I have to fight back the tears because I want to be a mom so badly and don't know if I'll ever have that opportunity. A lot of the nurses I work with have had babies in the last year (like 5 of them) and there are several who are currently pregnant, and I get so jealous watching their bodies change. While I of course don't know what it's like to have those feelings intensify because of marriage, I think that simply getting older and being surrounded by peers having children also plays a big role in intensifying the yearning.
Mostly, though, I just know what it's like to struggle with envy and how SO not fun it is. Thank you for reminding me that it comes down to trust; trusting that just as God has been faithful in the past, he will continue to be faithful in the future.
Sorry to just have written a novella in the comment section on your blog. :)
Post a Comment