Sad Heart

I’ve been very sad lately. I hate being like this whenever it happens, but feel even worse that I could possibly be sad during the Christmas season when it is supposed to be about giving and loving and rejoicing.

I told Neile the other day that if I were given the chance to work in children’s ministry again next year I would not. This almost breaks my heart just to think it, but to get to the point where I actually say it to someone else…well I am at a loss.

I love children. I have been babysitting since I was 11 and volunteering in church since I knew that it was a possibility. I remember working with a small group of 1st graders my senior year of college and getting so excited to plan lessons for them or figure out a way for them to experience God more fully. I remember volunteering in the nursery (my favorite) for years and looking forward to seeing those babies all week long – in fact my whole body would get antsy with anticipation.

It was because of this – this never ending love of children, to see them grow, to nurture them, to show them God’s love through me – that I started thinking that perhaps I would consider working with kids as a job. Perhaps when my degree is completed I would actually work in children’s ministry (instead of just volunteering). Right now, I do not feel that way.

I have made a commitment to the 3 yr old class this year. And yes, the kids are amazing and I love them like I have loved all of the kids I’ve ever worked with. I do not go a single Sunday without laughing with a child or enjoying a conversation about their boo boos or birthdays or other adventures. I love singing with them, learning Bible verses together, reading stories, having dinosaur fights, and coloring. Mostly though, I just love the opportunity to watch them grow, to see it in their eyes when they’ve learned something new or the pride on their face when they’ve accomplished something that only “big people” can do.

However, I am now to the point of almost dreading Sunday mornings.