I can see clearly now

Well, not exactly...

Last night I went shopping for glasses. I did not find any I loved...well, I did find one pair I really liked, but it had little rhinestones on the sides (not my thing) and try I might, I cannot get past those. Although you should have heard Neile and I trying to..."you could just paint them black or maybe we could pop them out". I know it might take me awhile to find ones I love as I am used to seeing my face sans glasses, but I think there is also some reluctance on my part.

My main concern is my prescription. I really am worried it isn't correct. I have absolutely no reason to doubt my eye exam other than my gut feeling. Well, and the doctors office seemed a little ghetto/sketch to me (Neile agreed). I know the doctor must be accredited so he has to be under some set of standards, and yet I still doubt. I think this is due to the seemingly high prescription for my one eye. Yes, I can tell it is weaker, but I just didn't think it was that bad.

So now I am left concerned. What if it is wrong?! Will I get stuck with a bad prescription for a whole year? Will it ruin my eyes even more? This is something I want a second opinion on, if only for my piece of mind....but my insurance won't cover another exam. Ughhh. I really don't know what to do.

Of course there is the real possibility that my doubt is most likely founded in my reluctance to get glasses - as well as my total ignorance in all things glasses. Why is this so hard for me? I mean most people wear glasses!

I’m pretty sure they call it envy.

I’ve been having a hard time the last month or so. There have been too many friends with babies and baby showers and talk of having babies and reading about babies. Yes, I am experiencing baby envy and let me tell you, I do not enjoy it in the least.

The truth of the matter is I so desperately want to have a child. I want to know what it is like to have a baby growing inside of me – to watch my belly grow. To dream of what they will be like or look like. To hold them, feed them, protect them, play with them and love them until it doesn’t feel like I could love anymore.

Confession: I find my self hoping every month that I am that small percentage of people that birth control doesn’t work.

I know that to have a baby this instant would really be more than just a little hard. Mostly because I’m still in school and Neile is fundraising his own salary, but also because our life right now is so incredibly busy that we hardly have time to do the things we really want to do, much less keep up with the things we need to do (take for instance making dinner, laundry, buying myself some glasses!).

Recently I saw a childhood friend. It was her baby shower. She looked great and so excited about her baby girl (due in 3 months). I am so excited for her and the adventure she has entered into, but I am also sad because I want that for me.

I’ve always wanted children. When I was single I would dream of motherhood and being a wife to an amazing man. Now that I am a wife to an amazing man those dreams of motherhood have only intensified. I know I can’t/shouldn’t spend all of my energy looking forward to the future or what may come and enjoy the present joys, but right now it is just hard.

I know I must wait, but this just brings up new fears. What if we wait too long (I know I am still young-ish)? Or what if nothing happens? Fears I try to fight, but also realize are a real possibility.

There are many things in life I have had to wait for. There are many unknowns I’ve had to face. There are many insecurities I’ve had to address. Through all of this I know I have not done it on my own, nor, thankfully, will I have to face my future unknowns alone.

“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Deuteronomy 31:8

So for now, I sit and wait knowing that is what I must do.

Things I’ve learned in the last month or so…

If your hair doesn’t have enough protein, it takes forever to dry (or so says the hairdresser). I found this interesting as it shot my theory of “I have a lot of hair” to nothingness. So how does one go about putting protein in their hair? Well, it is simple really: buy shampoo that has protein in it. Oh…that clears it all up. Thanks! I did manage to find a shampoo that had “soy and protein” or something on it that was still in my budget. Go me!

Boundaries need to be set with new technology…for the sake of my marriage as well as overall health (sleep much?)

Eating more responsibly really does pay off. Can you believe it has been 5 weeks since I started this whole thing? Okay, so I admit that I haven’t exactly been good this week about writing things down, but I have still been good about watching and making mental notes! Still working on that whole exercise thing…maybe in May, no, June I’ll start that up.

Eye firming/wrinkle reducing cream has entered into my world. After trying sleep and more sleep, I still haven’t been able to get my “engagement-induced” under eye circles to go away. I can’t be that old can I?!?!

I need glasses. I am still really struggling with this; in fact, I had the appointment a whole 2 weeks ago and literally have not had a free night to pick some out. Ever been to the eye doctor and had them ask in total disbelief, “You don’t wear glasses?!?!” No, it isn’t that bad, as I hardly noticed it (only in my right eye and I am extremely left eye dominant…hmmm any connection perhaps?).

I cannot plan a meal/go grocery shopping if I am totally sleep deprived. Just ask my husband about that one…I am sure he will agree. Truthfully, it is at these times that I just break down and say “let’s just have pizza” (and no that does not fit into the “nicole eat more responsibly so her clothes will fit plan”).

I have an especially hard time waiting to hear about something that feels like a “sure thing”. As opposed to something that could go either way.

I possibly have to finish my internship paper before graduation. Crap. Graduation is May 5th; I can’t even start this paper until April 16th because of another huge project I am working on (for my oral comprehensive exam)! Hmmm…can I even do this paper justice?

Working full-time and finishing graduate school is hard on my relationships (friends, family, and even just the random people I interact with). Okay, so I knew that last semester too, but this semester blows last semester out of the water.

I know there is more, much, much more, but that is all I've got in me for now.

Happy Easter!